i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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