is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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