Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
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Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
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"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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