Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
