If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
