so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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