i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
