I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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