Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
