I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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