Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
