my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just gift wrapped bread.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
