I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
