I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Randomize
