Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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