this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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