He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
