I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
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he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
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I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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