Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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