He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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