Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
