just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
