I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
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