Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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