It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
