Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
