I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
