Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
