When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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