the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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