Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
