we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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