i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
