Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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