What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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