Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
