Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
