Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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