He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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