this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Will exercising make me less horny?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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