i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
