I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
