If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
