You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
