i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
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I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
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Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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