I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
i think i just naturally attract stoners
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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