How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm too high and old for this...
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
