Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
