apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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