My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
