then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
