I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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