What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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