It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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